The French, The English and the Rudeness Thing
I have spent over 15 years of painful personal research on
this subject and I share my findings with you.
History
The French and the English have had an uneasy relationship
since the time of Joan of Arc. Some
spiritual traditions suggest that this was necessary so that the two nations could
separate and have seperate missions. In
that case I would say that Joan of Arc did a jolly good job. However, in 2012, perhaps it is time we try
to understand one another better. At any rate I have had to work on it as I live here, I’m married to a Frenchman and my
children are half French and I can't spend my whole life apoplectic with outrage.
Analysis
We think it's rude, they don't: the
French do not seem to find one another as rude as we do, and what would be
considered rude in England may not be in France. We speak different languages and different
body languages
The French do not intend to be
rude, and do not believe they are being rude (apart from the genuinely rude
people).
Habit : in a country
where saying NO is a normal and acceptable response to most questions and
making life difficult is a national sport, they have no parameters for thinking
that it is « wrong », or that there might be another way. It’s a bit like the Slag brothers from Whacky
Races, they are fond of each other and
truck along quite happily, they communicate by clubbing one another, they just
haven’t thought of doing it any differently, such as smiling or saying yes.
Education ; Anyone who knows anything about French
schools knows that the "mutual clubbing" habit is formed very young, by teachers who dictate,
disapprove, criticise test and trick. If
you survive all that with n’er a word of praise, you are likely to do unto others what has been
done unto you, after all, you survived, why shouldn’t they ? And you’re showing yourself as a stong
authoratitive person, and criticism is good for you, it’s a good starting point
for a meaningful exchange and it helps others to learn the error of their ways.
Fear of being Found
Wanting from early school days all
is governed by an infinite and unreasonable hierarchy of powers who will come
down on you if you get something wrong or break a rule. From this they learn that any approach by another human being is likely to be threatening, inconvenient or disagreable, and you might
be asked to do something you can’t do and may get into trouble.
Differences in Smiling
Habits : as far as I can work
out, in France, if you smile a lot, you will be considered one or all of the
following : weak, mentally
unstable, sexually available or selling something. The French just do not smile at a first
encounter. They do give short and deep
eye contact to check if you are ‘serious’.
The British think being serious is a problem; an indication of depression perhaps, of taking yourself too seriously, or worse, not having a sense of humour. We use fleeting and non threatening mini
glances and smiles as a way of establishing trust.
They don’t trust us if we won’t look at them and we don’t feel
comfortable if they won’t smile at us and instead stare at us in a threatening
way. The French are also more direct
than us and are puzzled by our pussyfooting.
We on the other hand feel our Nice pussyfooting initial approach has not been acknowledged and reciprocated
right from the start and are already affronted before we plough on with the
encounter, during which the French
continue to be additionally puzzled by the affrontment.
Things are not going to go well.
Can do/Can’t Do. It’s a choice, you take a can-do attitude to
life, or you can’t. The French have been
brought up in a can’t do world, where things are not possible and not allowed. This is profound. Although sometimes they will say they can’t do and then do it some time later without saying anything, as if overtly saying Can Do
diminishes them in some way.
The Sorry Problem : For English people saying sorry is a way of
life, although 70 percent of the time we don’t mean it (eg: sorry but there is a
queue). For French people saying sorry
is reserved for extreme cases, such as threat of immediate violence against the
person or avoiding imprisonment. It is humiliating for a French person to be in a position of having to admit
error or ask for pardon. Again, this
comes from school where error is punishable and admitting you are wrong as a
teacher unheard of and nobody is ever pardoned. French people immediately feel they have one
over on you if you say sorry, and will use it to their advantage, or they will
be very puzzled about why you are degrading yourself in front of them and find
you rather embarassing.
Some Solutions
Practice in the mirror looking
friendly without smiling, and looking directly into your eyes with a sort of
profound and utterly trustworthy debth
Always put yourself firmly in
contact with someone before starting a conversation or asking a question. Starting a conversation with excuse me
or sorry and fluttering about without looking at them properly won’t work, it
will irritate them and they will find it rude.
Some will punish you by refusing to answer you, or replying BONJOUR in a
repremanding manner. Yes my dears,
remember to start with a smile-free bonjour.
NEVER SAY SORRY at any point in
the conversation.
Don’t take offence too quickly,
expect a bit of a tussle, it doesn’t mean they won’t help you in the end, maybe
they’re just testing you to see if your’re worth helping
Be forgiving in the light of their
pasts
Saying « you’re right »
will have a profound effect, some may be moved to tears. But
be careful not to let it mean"I’m wrong", be clear that everyone in the conversation is right (in some measure).
Don’t be disappointed when
Customer Services can’t help you, it’s a lost cause
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