How to increase your blog view count

I know how to get more page views, after a short experiment and priceless information from Google Statistics.  I might write to them to tell them about this new tip.

All you have to do is write the title:  matron spank punishment rubber pants.

Within seconds of publishing your post, you will have at least 50 hits (from the USA, thanks to Google Statistics I know this).   I believe this is what you Americans call "hitting on me".

The blog entry itself reads:  "sorry porn pervs, nothing doing here, but thanks for the page view."

Then when you have collected enough pageviews you close the post, as you do not particularly want your extended family to see it.

Then, write to Google Adsense with your impressive viewing statistics and close on a hot top rate advertising deal.

Come to think of it I don't think I fancy the matronspankpunishmentrubberpants-relevant advertising on my blog.  So I won't do it.  Also, I do have standards you know.

Escaping detection at school

Today was the first day I was unavailable to help R pack his school bag for the afternoon session.  Was it coincidence that he forgot his exercise book?  This book is  for "communicating" with the parents, I prefer to call it the complaints and instructions book. As a parent you must avoid writing anything in this book except your initials to show you have read the complaint/instruction, and the only reply you will get is 'SEEN' stamped over your initials, let there be no confusion.  This book must be on your person at all times, in case a teacher has a sudden urge to issue a complaint or instruction, it also serves as an identity card in case you need to be banged to rights.    If you are caught without this book on you punishment is automatic and swift.

When R realized the damn thing wasn't in his bag, he reasoned correctly that if he tried to leave, the person on the gate would bang him to rights for not having it, detention and note of complaint to Mummy would follow, Mummy would become irate and write several blog entries.  So he put himself in after-school care until there was no-one on the gate and he could leave without being detected.  The only flaw with the plan was that his mother might notice he wasn't home and Worry (not good to come home to) or worse, charge into the school and...we shudder to imagine.  So he asked the after school assistant if he could phone home.  He used this time to do his homework.  The boy done good.

Phew, our perfect mother-pupil team is still in with a chance of finishing the race...yes, it's the Whacky School Races, I'm Dick Dastardly and R is Mutley.  I kept away from the parents 'meeting' ie two hours of Mrs Scruton the Headmistress making dire threats and unreasonable claims in front of 500 parents on uncomfortable chairs because I could not risk a public disorder incident.

Spent the rest of the evening discussing the Milgram Experiment with R& B en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milgram_experiment and the importance of not putting rules administration and obedience to authority above all else, and of keeping your idividual humanity to the fore.  Discovered that Horizon with Michael Portello  has done a re-hash of this controversial experiment and that 70 percent of modern day English people also electrocuted the volunteer to death watchdocumentary.com/.../how-violent-are-you-video...Like Michael, I was shocked.

School; ID papers and sanctions

At R's school, not carrying your exercise book carries a penalty of instant punishment, even if the dog ate it or your mum spilled coffee on it, really it is the INEXCUSABLE.  Actually, everything is inexcusable.  So today, the very first time I am not here to supervise the filling of R's bag for school after lunch, he forgets the exercise book.  It is lying on the sofa.

20 minutes after he should have come out of school, the school office allows him to phone me to tell me that because he did not have the exercise book to prove that he is authorised to leave, he has to stay behind in detention for one hour.  What???  You mean the same office which has R's authorisation on file?  The same telephone which could be used to telephone me???  Perhaps he had an appointment at the dentist!  These guys would be good candidates for the  Milgram Experiment http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Milgram_experiment.  They would definitely electrocute you to death rather than not apply a bureaucratic rule.

Now I will have to sign (with no occasion to comment)  a NOTE in the exercise book which notes the exact transgression which R has committed.  R will have been NOTICED, our reputation as the perfect mother/pupil team has been SMASHED.  I am DISAPPOINTED.

***

Oh well, we held out for 2 weeks, not bad.

Blog Stats Obsession

Mm, I'm not sure about these blog statistics.  For example, I was surprised to see that I had 200 views of my (new updated with photo) profile.  Every time I opened it, the number of views had gone up.  Who could be interested in me?  Should I be pleased or worried?  Then I discoverd that I can click on my favourite films and see if any other bloggers liked the same films as me (they didn't by and large) and when I found some other people who like Hildegarde of Bingen's music, I felt quite excited, and then touched to see all these highly individual and sometimes rather strange people putting themselves out there...some I would really like to be friends with, if only they didn't live in Ohio, and one Spanish man I wouldn't have minded falling in love with if he hadn't been 20 years younger than me and Spanish, and look at this, should we really be mentioning "lesbianism and interacial sex" as an interest on our blog profile? It's not a dating agency! ...And then back to my profile...where I noticed that the counter was clicking up one every time...I viewed my profile.  Could it be that I am a total sad git who has viewed her own profile 200 times?

Secondly, it is turning me into an obsessive.  For example, thanks to blog stats, I now know that my entry on French rudeness resulted in 59 views from the USA, more than my weekly avarage, how intriguing.  When I write to friends to recommend that they read something I've written, I can check up afterwards to see if there are more pageviews.  If not, why not?   Three French people claim to have viewed one article, but I only have 1 UK view on my stats - who's lying,  the stats or the friends?  Why do Russians keep accessing my blog in the mistaken belief that it has something to do with Olga Solovyov?  What does it all mean?  WHAT DOES IT ALL MATTER???

I'm having to add blog stat checking to my long list of peculiar habits which I am hoping to grow out of,  such as singing Amy Winehouse songs much too loudly in inappropriate settings and refusing to go to the Doctors.

Oh No Diet

Yesterday I bought a diet book from our Amazon account.  Within 3 HOURS my husband had noticed the purchase (remarkable, how does he get time what with his stressful job?) and immediately assumed that an intruder had gained access to our account.

For a moment I considered pretending it wasn't me, but let's face it, I'm a truth compulsive.  JC responded with a look in his eyes which seemed to say "is our money going down the drain again?".

"Don't worry" I said "If it's no good at least I can eat the book - I'll cut it up of course, and only permit myself to eat one page a day..."

There's no escaping it,  I keep getting fatter - getting as in present continual.  I have already accepted that I have got a little plump as I made my way up from a size 10 to a size 16, but it doesn't stop there.  Where does it stop?

I've been thinking about tricking myself into some kind of fat reduction programme for at least 5 years,  but have finally taken the decision for the following 2 reasons:

1. friend P did a dubious French diet where she eats nothing but protein and veg and claims she has never felt better and can fit into old skirts, and frankly readers, I considered her a bit scrawny to begin with... 
2. ...and then another friend H told me she was going to celebrate 15 years of marriage and her husband's 50th birthday by wearing her wedding dress.  JC and I have just celebrated 15 years of marriage, I was 5 months pregnant at the time, but bouncer in split seam floor length silk crepe is not a look I'm going for...

So, I've gone for Patrick Holford Low GL Bible which promises more energy less fluid retention and more health and vitality and doesn't talk at all about FOOD DEPRIVATION.  I'm already planning not to stick to it.  I can't bear following instructions and have an improvisation compulsion and I absolutely can't bear not eating what I want when I want.  Apart from this I am the ideal candidate for a diet.

Postcript
The book has arrived.  It is rather large.  I am carrying around in my rucksack.  I am hoping this can be considered as pre-diet weight training as I have not yet plucked up the courage to start the diet.

Are the French Rude? Guidance for the English

The French, The English and the Rudeness Thing

I have spent over 15 years of painful personal research on this subject and I share my findings with you.

History

The French and the English have had an uneasy relationship since the time of Joan of Arc.  Some spiritual traditions suggest that this was necessary so that the two nations could separate and have seperate missions.  In that case I would say that Joan of Arc did a jolly good job.    However, in 2012, perhaps it is time we try to understand one another better. At any rate I have had to work on it as I live here, I’m married to a Frenchman and my children are half French and I can't spend my whole life apoplectic with outrage.

Analysis

               We think it's rude, they don't:  the French do not seem to find one another as rude as we do, and what would be considered rude in England may not be in France.  We speak different languages and different body languages

               The French do not intend to be rude, and do not believe they are being rude (apart from the genuinely rude people).

They are being rude for the following reasons

               Habit : in a country where saying NO is a normal and acceptable response to most questions and making life difficult is a national sport, they have no parameters for thinking that it is « wrong », or that there might be another way.  It’s a bit like the Slag brothers from Whacky Races,  they are fond of each other and truck along quite happily, they communicate by clubbing one another, they just haven’t thought of doing it any differently, such as smiling or saying yes.                  

               Education ;  Anyone who knows anything about French schools knows that the "mutual clubbing" habit is formed very young, by teachers who dictate, disapprove, criticise test and trick.  If you survive all that with n’er a word of praise,  you are likely to do unto others what has been done unto you, after all, you survived, why shouldn’t they ?  And you’re showing yourself as a stong authoratitive person, and criticism is good for you, it’s a good starting point for a meaningful exchange and it helps others to learn the error of their ways.

               Fear of being Found Wanting  from early school days all is governed by an infinite and unreasonable hierarchy of powers who will come down on you if you get something wrong or break a rule.  From this they learn that any approach by another human being is likely to be threatening, inconvenient or disagreable, and you might be asked to do something you can’t do and may get into trouble.

               Differences in Smiling Habits :  as far as I can work out, in France, if you smile a lot, you will be considered one or all of the following :  weak, mentally unstable, sexually available or selling something.  The French just do not smile at a first encounter.  They do give short and deep eye contact to check if you are ‘serious’.  The British think being serious is a problem;  an indication of depression perhaps, of taking yourself too seriously, or worse, not having a sense of humour.   We use fleeting and non threatening mini glances and smiles as a way of establishing trust.   They don’t trust us if we won’t look at them and we don’t feel comfortable if they won’t smile at us and instead stare at us in a threatening way.    The French are also more direct than us and are puzzled by our pussyfooting.  We on the other hand feel our Nice pussyfooting initial approach  has not been acknowledged and reciprocated right from the start and are already affronted before we plough on with the encounter, during which  the French continue to be additionally puzzled by the affrontment.  Things are not going to go well.

               Can do/Can’t Do.  It’s a choice, you take a can-do attitude to life, or you can’t.  The French have been brought up in a can’t do world, where things are not possible and not allowed.  This is profound.  Although sometimes  they will say they can’t do and then do it some time later without saying anything, as if overtly saying Can Do diminishes them in some way.

               The Sorry Problem :  For English people saying sorry is a way of life, although 70 percent of the time we don’t mean it (eg: sorry but there is a queue).  For French people saying sorry is reserved for extreme cases, such as threat of immediate violence against the person or avoiding imprisonment.  It is humiliating for a French person to be in a position of having to admit error or ask for pardon.  Again, this comes from school where error is punishable and admitting you are wrong as a teacher unheard of and nobody is ever pardoned.   French people immediately feel they have one over on you if you say sorry, and will use it to their advantage, or they will be very puzzled about why you are degrading yourself in front of them and find you rather embarassing.

Some Solutions

               Practice in the mirror looking friendly without smiling, and looking directly into your eyes with a sort of profound and utterly trustworthy debth

               Always put yourself firmly in contact with someone before starting a conversation or asking a question.  Starting a conversation with excuse me or sorry and fluttering about without looking at them properly won’t work, it will irritate them and they will find it rude.  Some will punish you by refusing to answer you, or replying BONJOUR in a repremanding manner.    Yes my dears, remember to start with a smile-free bonjour.

               NEVER SAY SORRY at any point in the conversation. 

               Don’t take offence too quickly, expect a bit of a tussle, it doesn’t mean they won’t help you in the end, maybe they’re just testing you to see if your’re worth helping

               Be forgiving in the light of their pasts

               Saying « you’re right » will have a profound effect, some may be moved to tears.    But be careful not to let it mean"I’m wrong", be clear that everyone in the conversation is right (in some measure).

               Don’t be disappointed when Customer Services can’t help you, it’s a lost cause

Jardin Soutenable: écologique, économique et facile à entretenir

J'ai trouvé le jardin de ma vie en Angleterre! Facile à entretenir, restiste aux intemperies, écologique, et beau toutes saisons...

( Millennium Garden, Canal Fields Berkhamsted, Hertfordshire)

Betty au jardin

Vous voyez dans le photo Betty qui a conçu et crée ce jardin publique qui se trouve dans un parc de la ville ou j'ai grandi.    Il est beau, n'est-ce pas?  

Les trois parterres en juillet

En plus de sa beauté qui endure toute l'année et année après année, ce jardin est très malin:

• Pas besoin d'arrosage  (d'accord, il est en Angleterre et à côté d'un canal, mais impressionant quand meme!)
• Entretien leger 2 fois par an (le service d'urbanisme entretien l'herbe autour)
• Beau toute l'année (succession des fleures en printemps été et automne, ou feuilles et baies decoratives en hiver)
• Biodiversité, encourage papillons, abeilles et autres insectes
• Pas besoin de produits;  ni pesticide, ni herbicide ni traitement contre les maladies ni engrais
• Pas besoin d'arracher ou re-planter 
• Jardin publique, conçu, construit et mainenu par les benevols en collaboration avec les services publiques

Je connais Betty depuis longtemps, mais j'ai pris rendez vous avec elle pour parler de ce jardin et ses secrets.   

Moi:  Comment est-il possible que ce jardin n'a  besoin d'être deserber que deux fois par an?   Chez moi c'est tout le temp!

Betty:  ‘Il y a plusieurs choses, lq plantation proche, plantation adaptée, et pour le parterre au centre, une barrière vegetale (une sorte de tapis) que j'ai couvert des gravelons;  ce technique permet une isolation contre les extrèmes de temperatures,  laisse la pluie entrer et l'impeche d'evaporer trop vite, et empeche les mauvaises herbes à pousser.   Nous appellons le parterre au centre le 'parterre sec' pour montrer les plantes qui sont bien adaptées à la secheresse.

Moi:  Qu'est ce le plantation proche?
Betty:  Regardons le parterre derrière, plus proche du canal, nous appellons cela le parterre humide, car il est pres de l'eau, et nous avons choisi les plantes adaptés à une terre humide.    Il n'y a presque pas de place entre les plantes pour les mauvaises herbes de pousser. En automne j'elague les plantes qui prennent trop de place.

Moi:  Plantation adaptée, c'est à dire les plantes aiment les conditions donc elles vont bien?
Betty:  Exacte - une plante heureuse, en bonne santé, non seulement elle est belle pendant toute la saison,  mais elle couvre le sol et ne laisse pas la place pour les mauvais herbes.  Je regarde l'exposition (lumière, vent, conditions du temps etc) et la qualité de la terre (humide ou seche, acide ou alkaline, argileuse ou sablée etc) pour choisir la plante adaptée. 

Comment choisir les plantes pour une entretien facile?
Betty;  j'adore les fleures vivaces herbacées, elles meurent en hiver et repoussent en printemps.  Les plantes vivaces herbacées, en génerale fleurissent pendant longtemps, elles n'ont pas besoin de quelqu'un de s'occuper d'elles.  Il est cher en argent et en temps, et pour environnement de planter les plantes annuelles à massif dans en engrais artificielle et de les arroser à chaque fois qu'il y a une periode de secheresse, comme est souvent l'habitude dans les jardins publiques.

Debut d'hiver, le bruyere et autres plantes qui gardent leurs feuilles en hiver, prennent le relais et parce que le parterre est bien structuré l'ensemble est beau en hiver

La, je suis d'accord!  Je suis à un age ou j'ai de plus en plus du mal à voir les fleurs arrachées une fois non plus jeunes, pour être remplacées par les fleurs plus jeunes et coquettes!  J'aime bien les plantes dans toutes leurs états, la fruit et les graines ont leur beauté, des formes interessantes à voir dans le jardin.

Moi:  Quelle est ta motivation pour créer ce jardin?

Betty:  Ma première pensée etait la biodiversité.  Si tu regard les arbres autour, ils sont tous pollinés uniquement par le vent, donc il n'y avait pas d'insecte ici avant ce jardin

L'anemone, longue floraison, sympa pour les abeilles

Actuellement travaillent plusieurs éspeces d'abeilles des syrphes, et partout les papillons dejeunent. 

Betty.  J'étais sûre qu'il était possible de conçevoir un jardin publique moins cher à planter et maintenir que les jardin publiques traditionels.  Je voulais montrer que c'était possible, avec presque pas de dépense et au meme temps bien pour l'environnement.  Je voulait que le jardin soit une expérience, un projet éducatif. 

Moi:  Tu as bien réussit.  D'ou viens ton inspiration, tes connaissances?
Betty:  Je ne suis pas sûre!  J'ai fais des études en botanique, donc je connais les familles de plantes, et les conditions qu'elles exigent:  aussi je viens d'une famille des fermiers, donc peut-être les gènes fermiers réapparaissent!  J'ai commencé à transformer le botanique en jardinage quand mes enfants commençaient à être grands et avaient moins besoin de moi.

Moi:  L'amour est toujours important pour le jardin il me semble, avec une dose de bonne connaissances!  Il y a quelquechose qui me frappe ici, chaque plante s épanouie avec son éspace autours d elle, par contre mon jardin se semble etre une bataille pour domination mondiale!

Betty:  Les plantes sont comme les gens, elles aiment avoir les autres autour, mais elles ont besoin de leur propre place, de l'espace autour.  En autonme je divise les masses, je verifie qu'il n'y a pas une plante qui prenne toute la place et domine les autres!

Moi:  Comment tu envisage le design du jardin, comment le planter, quelle plantes à mettre ensemble?

Betty:  Il s'est venu tout seul, c'est un processus créatrice, un peu comme peindre un tableau.

Belle gamme de formes, feuillage et fleures...

Pour son tableau, Betty a choisi une gamme de vivaces herbacées, qui proposent une varieté riche de tailles, formes, couleurs et styles de feuillage, moment de floraison, et les graines et fruits qui sont decorativs en hiver. Elle trouve les plantes qui peuvent survivre, et aussi prosperer la ou ellse se trouvent, soit les extremes d'humidité ou secheresse ou de froid et de chaleur.

Moi:  parle-moi de la plantation toutes saisons...

Betty:  Voila, ici viburnum d'hiver avec sa floraison tôt,  et puis il y a le jasmine et hamamélis (hamamelis virginiana),  la rose sauvage avec ses jolies fruits et les baies de houx.  J'apprecie grandement les fleures d'hiver, la bruyère, et puis il y a de l'herbe, laxula et une touche de golsesthum mat, et staches byzantina avec son feuillage argenté et poileu, on appele ça 'oreilles des agneau'.    L' Anèmone est très bien, elle commence ses fleures en juillet et continue jusqu'au premiere gel.   

Parelle en graines

La parelle, une plante sauvage tres courant qui pousse souvant avec les ortilles et peut soigner les piqures d'ortilles;   une fois en graine elle à une certaine charme cuivrée!  

Il y a des roses trémières, mullen, les fenouilles sauvages signallent avec leur mains de fleures jaunes, à leurs pieds nepeta cataria connu comme menthe des chats et de la marjolaine en fleure à côté des feuilles dorées de hopley oregane rebeccia.

Mullen

Marjolaine

Gerenium vivaces herbacee

Artichauts, plus tard il y aura des fleures blues

  Des qu'une fleure fanne, une autre s'ouvre...

En gros, le jardin est basé sur une forme et structure; 'les os' du jardin
Le jardin 'tien' malgré les saisons ou si les plantes sont pas en forme  et quelques mauvaises herbes les rejoingent.  Il y a 3 parterres en forme de croissant, un derriere planté avec les plantes aui grandissent un peu plus 'haut', un au milieu parterre levé  (raised) et un simple devant, des chemins en herbe pour y acceder, pour les gens qui aiment courir, explorer, et un banc pour celui qui cherche de la paix.

Fin d'automne, pas le saison top des plantes, mais le jardin 'tien' grace à son structure

Je pense qu'un jardin doit avoir une ambiance tranquille, dit Betty.

Je suis impressionée par le côté 'collaboration', Betty a engagé l'aide des jardiniers bénevols, elle a demandé des dons de plantes.  Elle a présenté son projet à la mairie, qui a proposé aussi quelques plantes et qui entretien les chemins en herbe et collecte les déchets.  Finalement la marie est très fière de ce jardin qui est celèbre à Berkhamsted et qui a gagné des prix!   

Voila, une reussite collective pour le plaisir et bien être de tous!

Fiche Pratique

Sommaire des Secrets pour un Jardin Ecologique, Economique, Entretien Facile

• Il est important de bien préparer le sol au début:  la terre doit être retournée, et il faut prendre les mesures pour éviter que les parterres ne perdent par de l'eau par evaporation;   tapis, paillis naturel etc, ces mesures sont importants aussi pour le côté décorative et pour réduire les mauvaises herbes
• Les plantes adaptées aux conditions:  exposition, climat, qualité de la terre (acide-alkaline, humide-sec, argileuse sableuse etc. Les plantes doivent être en bonne santé, en beauté, et capable de survivre si les conditions sont difficiles (froid, secheresse etc).  Regarder les plantes sauvages autour qui aiment bien votre terrain pour les idées.
• Le plantation proche - plantes adaptées aux conditions plantées proches sans laisser trop de la terre exposée (attention de laisser assez de place pour la plante de pousser).
• Barrière vegetale - un tapis qui permet à la pluie de pénétrer, reduit la perte d'eau de la terre en évaporation, defavorise les mauvaises herbes, donne a chaque plante sa place.
• Variété de plantes - favorise la biodiversité avec tous ses avantages, et aussi au niveau éstetique, assurer une variété de couleurs et textures et hauteur du feuillage et des fleures...
• Favoriser les vivaces herbacées - qui repoussent chaque saison, pas besoin d'arracher et replanter.
• Une plante pour chaque saison - choisir les plantes qui fleurissent au début de l'été avec les plantes qui fleurissent à la fin, ou des plantes du longue floraison, et pensez toujours à l'automne et hiver:  fleures sêches, formes intéressantes, baies, feuillage persistant et floraison hivernale.